Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
well, you know. whores of a feather.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
