My Higher Power is John Stamos
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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