She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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