I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
