Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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