Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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