Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
