It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
