Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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