cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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