shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
