My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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