That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
