you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's blow job season.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
