Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
