Where did you get a picture of my penis
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
