The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
