My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
