How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
