walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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