I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My cat gives me a boner
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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