I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
