24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Even my vagina gasped.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
