you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
