she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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