There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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