Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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