If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
