well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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