As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
