Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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