I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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