Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
