my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
