You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
