When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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