Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you win again, gameday.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
