the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
