the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
