frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
