I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
