OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
