Whod you bang
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
