and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
