i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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