Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
