I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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