I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
