she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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