please come you make the beer taste better
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
