Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize