then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
