i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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