I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
