I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
