yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
