Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
