I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
