Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
