Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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