I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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