my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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